Race Play and the Bedroom

All this got triggered by my friend Monica Jackson's blog entry on (mature) white women going on sex tours to Kenya. MSNBC story on the Kenyan sex tours here.

Of course this is no different than black men from the U.S. going to Brazil to have sex with Brazilians.

Or older (white) gay men going to Mexico... or Thailand... or heck, inner city Detroit or Philly... anyplace else where money talks... to have sex with underage/teen boys of color. (if someone can find a source to back this up, which we all know to be true, please share it in comments... thanks!)

Or that one of the roots of lynchings of black men in the U.S. was centered around the protection of white women's sexuality and honor.

It's all part of a larger area of scholarly research called Race Play.

ColorLines Magazine, which all culturally-empowered and progressive-minded folks should read or subscribe to, did a great issue about two years ago on the interconnectedness of race, sex, and personal choices we make, consciously or unconsciously, in our dating and mating lives. This story, Playing With Race by Daisy Hernandez, is one of the best I've read on this subject. And it's an area she has continued researching in her post-graduate work.

So most of are aware of the dynamics of exploiter on the exploited in many areas.

But what if, in the case of ethnicity and sex, it's the exploited who offers him/herself up on a "ring the dinner bell, come and get it" platter to the exploiter? This area has always fascinated me in my studies on ethnicity, class, and gender.

It got triggered earlier this week, when I read a small little story in the latest Frontiers Magazine, an L.A. based LGBT weekly. On page 80 of the magazine, at the bottom, there's a cute feature called "Boyfriend Material," where someone from the local LGBT community shares what makes himself boyfriend material.

This week's column featured an 18-year-old black man named Robert. He boasted as a little-known fact about himself, "I would say that something few people know about me is that I'm not attracted to my own race... In all actuality, I'm just a young black guy whom (sic) has always been attracted to older white and Latino men." He continues to say, "I know some may take that offensively but I mean no offense... Again I mean no harm, just being honest." (to you young scholars in-the-making, this is what could make those finals week papers more exciting to write about!)

That young man's statement struck me hard. Because, at 18, I was that young man. Thank God I'm not now. I imagine a few years of experience will evolve his opinion and identity. There are a number of factors I've been able to identify in my own identity and academic work over the years.

One, being dropped off in the middle of Missouri at 17, at Mizzou, with not a large institutional support for people/things black, I just tried fitting in with the majority. Then, me thinking that the black community had/would shun me because of being gay, I found myself in a circle of young white gay folks... but not totally IN the circle. I was the fun, black sidekick. The entertainment. The safe black guy. The window into "black" life that many of them didn't, nor would ever, delve into in or out of class. And, I also thought anything black was less than.

I always thank God for education, and having the privilege to study and learn about the cycle of oppression and the history of racism, sexism, and heterosexism in the U.S. and world.

That in-class work, coupled with me thinking about things my parents and grandparents shared from their experiences, shifted me out of that phase. Took a few years, some real-world experiences, to get me to where I am today... A culturally-empowered gay man of color who is unapologetically black, unapologetically gay, and who doesn't base my worth, or my dating, on a white/majority scale of acceptance.

That's the main reason I write the kind of novels I do... with culturally-empowered gay men of color. Because I don't want young gay men of color growing up with the "ooh, if I just get me a rich, white man all my problems will be over" mentality. Because the problems are still there. And you can't erase the black or brown of your skin, no matter how you try to blend in.

And you can't erase your mom, dad, and growing-up experiences you had. Nor should you be ashamed of how you grew up. It is what it is.

How does it, if at all, affect you? How have your identity and opinions changed or evolved over the years? What would you say to a kid like that Robert in Frontiers Magazine? Or your thoughts on how ethnicity, class, and gender are active elements in all the choices we make, personal or professional?
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Dating Young and Younger

For all of you out there dating across age demographics, you gotta watch tonight's episode of NBCs 30 Rock. All about dating young and younger. Hilarious.

The topic's kinda been on my discussion plate since Tuesday, as I've been doing readings and discussions about Kenny and Jeremy from my new book. Kenny's a 30-something dating 20-something Jeremy.

And speaking of hot young people, go over to check out this new blogger on the block... Richie. I've been reading his blog for a couple weeks. I recognized him in the audience at my A Different Light bookstore event on Wednesday. Thanks Richie and your crew -- especially driving all the way from where you did!

Hopefully you, Dear Reader, are reading this entry as you get home or wake up from a hot date with the person of your dreams. And if the person is younger than you are, maybe Valerie Gibson's book Cougar can give you a tip or two to make the pairing work.
:-)
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Saturday is World AIDS Day

Yes. I'm still here. Will be posting on the week's book events later. Thanks to all who came or hosted. Appreciate all very much!

In the meantime feast on this.

Saturday, December 1 is World AIDS Day. Many organizations are planning events to commemorate and bring attention to the issue.

My friends over at The Wall-Las Memorias Project are hosting its annual Noche de las Memorias in L.A. this weekend. Check out the information... and if you're free stop by this event or one in a town near you!
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From Kicking It... To Forever Single.

So this week NBC News with Brian Williams is doing a series of stories on black women in the U.S., and looking at areas of education achievement, health, economics, and relationships.

Watched last night's installment on black women's achievements in higher education and can concur, since I work at a university, that black women are leading the community majorly.

Stats also tell the story that black women are the least likely of many demographics to be married, which the series will explore this week. Talked about it in a past entry on the film Soul Mate, and what I thought could be a powerful alliance between straight black women and out gay black men when it comes to finding the romantic love they seek.

I'm wondering what the stats are for the LGBT community. With such slippery, and sometimes non-defined, definitions of "dating," "hanging out," "kicking it," "just doing our thang," "we don't like to label ourselves," etc...

... I wonder if there's a segment of the population that's NEVER truly had a partner in the traditional sense of romantic partnership -- 1 on 1, no one else, no exploring options, a label and a commitment to honoring the label... at least in the beginning. A segment that's only "kicked it" and eventually found themselves in their 50s or 60s without no one to kick it with, or settle down with.

Of course there is. I'm just wondering what that must be like to have never dated, never been asked out, never had a prospect, never had someone call you their own. Of course there are days when I go into "woe-is-me" mode when I'm single or dateless, when in reality I'm just being picky at the moment.

But are we in an age where people are completely comfortable with dating, hanging out, kicking it, just doing our thang, and not being labeled... that the traditional sense of romantic relationships is a thing of the past? When is the right time to shed the "kicking it" mentality and look at the long-term investment value of those we want to date?

It's all over the place, this entry. I know. My mind is like that today...
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Twas The Night Before...

So one of the students asked me today about what happens on book release day? Like, is there some big sha-bang, ta-da, whatever.

Honestly, it feels like any other day. Except that now people will be able to read something I created in the privacy of my home and laptop months ago. Life really doesn't change on a book release day. Because it seems so distant and removed from me. But it is very exciting nonetheless. It's mixed bag of feelings. Does that make sense?

That's the weird part. The time distance between creation and public display. Something that is part of your home and life will be part of other people's homes and lives. Something that you've talked about on and on and on... yeah, I'm a shameless self-promoter, but not in the "I'm better than" self promotion. In the "I want you to know" version.

But other than that... hmmm. Tonight the friend/ex came over. We had a drink. Some food. Watched Heroes (my first time watching, he's trying to get me hooked... not a match). He listened to some of the excerpts I plan to read. I listened to some of his job stressors. He just joined the staff of a politician and is learning the unspoken rules of that gig.

So. Right Side of the Wrong Bed is out. Hope you'll join me for the ride.
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Viva Margarita. Viva Vodka.

Never too early to plan for the weekend, huh?

Though these look like summer concoctions, they can make great presents for the upcoming holidays this winter.

Will it be margaritas or vodka-based cocktails?

Well, for those who partake of adult beverages now and then.

Margarita or vodka? Today, we're talking the books. Because the weekend is still four days away.
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Sexy. Cool. Sunday in WEHO.

OK. Something a little more fun and light. Oh, and if you've been to West Hollywood, you know this lady in the pic... "R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-o-th-as?" She's cool like that.

Anyway, met up with a friend visiting from NYC for the weekend. Did the West Hollywood thing, which was surprisingly quiet. Abbey especially.

So we left for a little light dinner. And as we were walking down Santa Monica Blvd., heard that sexy, cool little song by Rihanna, "Please Don't Stop The Music," blasting from one of the clubs. Rage.

We stopped in. Discovered it was 18+ night. Danced anyway. Because we're sexy, cool like that.

Got approached by a guy for a dance. Very flattering. Danced. Did the post dance conversation. Waiting for the young man to get to the deal breaker question -- How old are you? It's as if L.A. folks still haven't picked up the "Living in L.A." manual -- you never talk/ask numbers, age, income, weight. But whatever. He's young, hasn't gotten the memo yet.

He was 20. I'm 34. 1987. 1973. Fuzzy Math. Saw that crush-glow and happiness evaporate from his face. Was mentally prepared for it. We danced anyway again. I gave him a card with my book info on it.

My pseudo-public status lit up his face. He asked for my number. I told him to bring his crew to my book signing on Wednesday at A Different Light instead.

I guess the deal wasn't broken. But there's no WAY I would date anyone who's 20. Dance, yes. Date, no. Not a candidate for Chris Hansen Dateline NBC. That's one story, gossip item I don't even want to be associated with, nor will you have to worry about reading about.

But back to you. Your age dating rules?
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La Vie En Rose

Nothing like a little tragedy to make your Sunday. So that's why I'm heading off to The Abbey in just a few minutes to catch up with some friends, though I'm sure there will be some drama and tragedy in attendance there too. lol.

But back to tragedy. You gotta see La Vie en Rose. It's the life story of singer Edith Piaf. It came out in June 2007. And yeah, I'm about six months behind on it.

But thanks to Netflix, and a chilly Sunday afternoon, I watched. And let me tell you. An artist personality. A hard childhood. And some choices, good and bad, and you've got an amazing life portrayed on the screen.

Many critics have already said that the actress who portrayed Edith Piaf's life, Marion Cotillard, is a shoo-in nominee and possible big winner of the upcoming awards season for films. I have to say I agree, though many more "Award Films" will be released in December, that may provide some competition.

On that note. Some friends and I were debating... which actors work harder? Those who portray real-life people, and who have a real person to study and imitate? Or those who create a role based on nothing but the script and their own craft and skills?

I argued that those actors who have nothing to work with but a script work harder, because they have nothing to go on but their own mind, skills, and acting technique. That any actor can do an imitation of someone else. But my friends argued that those who portray real life people have a tougher barometer, and therefore their nominations (and wins) are more deserved... and that imitating someone's life and mannerisms is hard work. Your thoughts?

Debates aside, I hope you check out this film. I think you'll love it!
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